This Isnt Love
by Kira Yokai
Summary: Matt had been in love, but when he is told he will never be loved in the same way he gets an idea thy may ruin relationship forever.
1. Chapter 1

He rolled over into his back as he had so, many times before. It was almost a ritual as he buried his face into his warm pale back. That freckle he could always pick out no matter how dark it was. His finger touched it gently as he felt like he could never have him. Mello wouldn't let him have him. They were friends and nothing more, right? Roommates he had remembered him saying.

He let out a breath at this thought as he turned over on his back staring up at the apartment ceiling. He had fallen in love with Mello a long time ago. It had been a sweet soft affection and it only continued to grow with each passing day. Only, his longing for Mello's attention grew to the point where now it wasn't bearable, but Mello had told him he could never love him. How he wanted him to love him, but it had been he still had feelings for someone else and that he wasn't ready to move on; he'd never be ready to move on, but damn he wanted him to look at him! To see him! He didn't though. Matt shifts beside the blond turning his head to the side to get a good look at the blonde's sleeping face. It was calm and collected as though relieved that the days worry are of no concern now. He smiles at the thought as he lightly touches him on the cheek with his index finger. He can feel as his body is tense at the contact. Its almost too much for him that it scares him to pull back. However, his eyes continued to stare as a thought teased his mind. Its a dangerous thought, but he doesn't care as he plays with it in his mind.  
Shaking his head he sat up. Could he? What if Mello hated him for it though? Or he would love him for it one day. He shook his head looking over at him. Pulling back the blanket he touched his warm pale skin his hand sliding down the expanse of his side grasping his hipbone that slightly protruded. He could feel a tingling sensation up his arm as he continued to touch him. His pelvic bone, his waist, and back down again until in his mind he knew what he was going to do despite the consequences he wanted this, he'd make Mello want it too.

Should I write another chapter?


	2. I Could Hate You

Mello was getting ready to leave that morning as Matt was waking up. He rubbed his eyes as he stared his best friend down. Mello noticed returning the favor with a crooked smile that only Matt had ever seen. Looking down almost instantly he figured Mello didn't know anything about last night. If he had he would've bitched at him for groping him, but he hadn't said anything. The thought from last night still hung in his minds eye. It made him squirm.  
"What's with you Matt?" Matt looked up his stomach churning as he saw his friend looking at him concerned. Could he do that to him? Could he really? The thought was beginning to make him sick, but in the distance it looked appealing. He wanted it more than anything, but what had Mello done to deserve it?  
"Nothing, I'm just a little tired. Didn't get much sleep last night," he lied sitting up and stretching to seem convincing. Mello bought it as he shrugged his shoulders finishing getting dressed.  
"Good, because I won't be home till late tonight. Don't wait up." throwing on his worn jacket he left from the room. Only then did Matt let out a breath and began to relax.  
Leaning back in bed he thought long and hard. How he would do it. If he was even going to do it. He wanted to, but was it really worth it. He wouldn't know unless he did it, he decided. However a decision like this one needed more thought. It was important. Too important. He'd sleep on it some more he finally decided and when he woke he'd make his decision.  
A few hours had passed since he had went to sleep. Looking over he read the time it was 7:00 pm Mello was usually home before then. He wondered if he was home now. Getting out of bed he quietly walked from the bedroom towards the living room. Stretching he opened his mouth to call for Mello, but stopped when he could hear faint sounds that sounded an awful lot like moaning. His heart skipped a beat as he heard Mello let out a long groan followed by an unfamiliar voice. He tried to pull himself away from it, close his ears, but there was something mesmerizing about hearing Mello making noises like that. It made him angry that it wasn't him that made Mello call out like that. He could feel his fists clinch, his stomach turn into tight knots, and soon the nausea hit and he was running to the bathroom lifting up the toilet seat puking in it. He gaged a little and that was when he came to the realization of what he had to do. He'd accept the consequences, but this time he'd think about himself and only himself.


	3. Ponder

Chapter 3: Ponder

Matt sat on the edge of their bed. It was a Saturday and he had had all the time that he needed to plan out in his head what he would do.  
Lately Mello had made a point of not coming home on time and it made Matt feel more strongly about his decision. He wasn't going to change his mind either. Right now the blond was at his "job" and as he had said, wouldn't be home till late tonight. So, Matt decided to sit on their bed and ponder. He would ponder with an old shoebox in front of him that contained all the necessary ingredients to ruin their friendship forever.

It was surreal how the contents of the box was all it would take, it was all it would take. Those damn words! All-it-would-take. He shook his head. Was this just crazy or was it the only way. Mello had never accepted his confession of love and it seemed as though he didn't care. Every other man was good enough for Mello except him. Why was that? He'd stayed by his side for only God knows how long. Was it not good enough-was he not good enough?

Matt ran his fingers along the box's edge and let out a breath as he opened it. A tiny glass bottle of GHB stared back at him guiltily. Was it really the answer, he asked himself mentally. It was corked and had not been used yet. Could he use it?

The handcuffs that laid shamelessly in the box didn't make any better impression on him either. He began to feel sick thinking about what he was going to do to his friend, but it was a choice. He had even scheduled it. It had been so meticulously thought out in his head that it scared him, but he wasn't doing it for pleasure. It was love so, it made it okay.

There were more contents to the old tattered shoebox, but he wasn't sure that he even wanted to "ponder" on them anymore. So, taking a deep breath he shut the box and slid it under their bed with all the other things that had piled up under there the past few years.

As he laid back, his arms crossed beneath his head, he stared at the ceiling. Thinking about Mello made him forget everything. A smile slid across his face as he continued to think about him. Tonight he was going to force Mello to see him. Yes, it'd probably end their friendship, but if that was what it took for Mello to see how much he loved him it was worth it. What was the worst that could happen? Nothing, right?


	4. Now Or Never

Chapter Four: Now Or Never

He was more perfect tonight than he had ever been before in his life. Matt felt starry eyed as he watched his soon not-to-be-best friend, a smile sliding across Matt's lips as he took another drink from his own glass.

Mello was rambling on about something drunkenly as he poured himself another glass of some dark colored alcohol that he had brought back home. Matt didn't make an effort to drink that night. Something about not wanting to throw up and wanting to get up early. The whole lie sounded ridiculous, but Mello had only shrugged and didn't ask any questions before he had handed Matt the bottle to put in the refrigerator. Matt had more than eagerly grabbed the bottle putting it in the freezer so it'd get cold quicker.

That was about an hour and thirty minutes ago. Matt calculated in his head as he watched the blond get up from his chair at the table, how long it had been since he had spiked Mello's drink. Matt's hands shook as he poured the clear liquid into Mello's glass when Mello had announced he was going to the bathroom. Matt almost didn't do it, but the urge had been too strong that before he had even been aware of what he was doing he'd already poured the entire contents into Mello's cup. Its for the best, Matt thought to himself. That was merely fifteen minutes ago...right? He checked the clock on the wall. Fifteen minutes ago.

"Why does this taste a little salty," Mello slurred from the couch as he let his body sink into the couch cushions. Matt eyed him curiously. Mello had been complaining of the taste of salt ever since Matt had spiked his drink. He had to take Mello's mind off it somehow. So, striding into the living room he sat down next to Mello allowing his arm to lay carelessly around Mello's shoulders. Leaning in towards him Matt smiled, "You're drunk Mello. Maybe you should lay down if you dont feel good."

"No, no, you lied to me. You said you would drink with me tonight, but you're not so, I'm going to stay up all night and you're going to deal-with it!" Mello's attempt to be indignant had only half worked. He was a mess and that's when Matt noticed a change in his demeanor. Mello began sweating a lot more as he attempted to get off the couch unsuccessfully. He also seemed slightly confused as the blonde's blue eyes darted around the room like a tourist at a train station. "Matty?"

"Yeah," Matt grabbed a hold of Mello's arm holding him up as he guided him into their bedroom. He couldn't believe how long it had taken the drug to work, but he didn't have time to think about it. Mello was shaking slightly, but as much as it bothered Matt it didn't seem to bother Mello.

"Where are we going?" His friend looked up at him for a moment before cracking a smirk. "I swear Matt if you try anything funny,"Matt waved him off as he helped him sit at the edge of the bed. He had to get Mello calm before he could do anything.

"Mello you're just drunk. Stop," Matt removed the blonde's boots helping him out of his leather vest that had the smell of chocolate and alcohol still lingering on it. Matt took in a deep breath as he laid the vest on the bed side table otherwise in the morning Mello would kill him.

"Come on Mels, scoot back." Matt thought Mello's ministrations were too adorable, but it was odd to think of Mello like that. Mello just didn't do adorable. He was serious and collected, but tonight it was as though he was...different.

The blond smiled up at Matt as he was helping him. Matt noticed this and gave a small smirk in return as he himself began to feel warm. He couldn't get nervous now. Oh, god not now. He could always turn back though. He didn't have to go through with it. No, he wouldn't think like that. He had already come too far as it was. He had to go through it.

Matt inhaled deeply as he copped a glance at Mello. He laid relaxed on the bed. Matt swallowed as he realized that it was now or never.


	5. Lets Play A Game

Chapter Five: Lets Play A Game

"Lets play a game," said Matt as he sat next to the blond who at the moment had taken an interest in nothing. He almost seemed peaceful as he lied there on the bed staring up into the nothingness that was the ceiling. Matt had sat beside him thinking in his head what he was going to do, and how he was going to do it. In his mind's eye he could see it, but would it work? He took a breath, "What do you say? Wanna play?" Mello glanced over at Matt with a look that was unfamiliar to the redhead. His eyes looked dreamy as if he was unsure of anything, but his answer shocked Matt nonetheless.

"Sure, lets play a game," he slurred with a smirk. He sat up grabbing a hold onto Matt's leg as he supported himself. Smiling he tilted his head to the side as he looked into Matt's green eyes. Matt half smiled back at his friend. He wasn't Mello anymore. There was something off about him; something un-Mello like about him. Maybe it was that stupid smirk on his face or the way he was gazing into Matt's face as if they were lovers. Matt shook his head, he had to focus. "So, what's this game we're about to play?"

"Lean back on the bed and close your eyes." Matt instructed as he pushed against the blonde's warm chest instantly feeling a tad awkward, but when Mello didn't scold him the awkwardness seemed to go away.

Mello smiled obeying him. Laying back, it was as if he was trying to tempt Matt as he raised his arms above his head, his warm pale chest splayed in front of the redhead. Matt swallowed. "I swear if you do anything funny Matt." The blond warned as his face contorted into a scowl at the mere thought. Matt ignored the threat as he took in a deeper breath than before allowing his eyes to close as he begun to realize what he was about to do to his best friend. There was no condoning it and he knew it. The longer he thought about it the more he didn't want to, but the thought...it pulled at him. Shaking his head he cleared his mind as he opened his eyes and reached underneath the bed and grabbed the old shoebox. Opening it he pulled out the handcuffs; this was it, no going back.

Grabbing a hold of Mello's arm he hurriedly pulled his arm up towards the headboard. Right at that moment his best friend's eyes shot open in terror as his blue orbs searched the room dazedly and confused. Matt could tell Mello's reaction time was off because before he had noticed anything was been wrong Matt had had his second wrist handcuffed to the headboard. He avoided looking at the blond, but every now and then when he copped a glance at him he could see terror in his eyes.

"What the fuck Matt?! What the hell are you doing?!" Mello protested kicking his feet as he pulled against his restraints. Matt picked up his mp3 player plugging it in as he ignored all the protests. "Matt fucking answer me!" Matt turned up the volume to his music to drown out the blond. He couldn't; no he didn't want to listen now. All he thought of was how he was going to do this. How he wanted to do this.

Mello squirmed against his restraints with ferocity that Matt had never seen before even though it had been a pathetic ferocity. He could still tell how much he was not up for this. Matt shook his head before climbing on top of his beat friend straddling his legs, both knees in either side of him. He looked up from behind his bangs as Mello's mouth moved and no sound, but Haddaway's words came from it. He could take a guess at what he might be saying. Protests to kill and maim, but he didn't want to think about that at the moment. No, not as his hands slid up leather encased legs and hips that could only be more perfect bare. Leaning his face down towards Mello's naked abdomen he inhaled deeply. What was the smell he smelled? It was sweet and enticing telling him to keep going further. He placed small kisses as he went further down the squirming blond. Looking up he caught a glimpse of Mello who no longer looked horrified, but in that dream like state he'd be in when he had first suggested the game.

"Mello?" Reaching over he turned down the music as he stared at his best friend who made no attempt to reply. Shrugging his shoulders Matt pushed the thought back as he tugged on Mello's leather pants sliding them off his hips with hardly any effort. Smiling he pushed his limp legs upwards placing a gentle kiss on his inner thigh as he shifted around him carefully. He had longed foe this so long and now there was nothing stopping him no interruptions. However as he glimpsed at Mello he felt a twinge of guilt. Releasing his legs Matt took a moment to think. Was it worth it? Really worth loosing him over?

"Matty," Matt looked up as he saw his friend look at him briefly his eyes rolling in the back of his head as white foam began gathering around his lips his body going into a violent convulsion.

"Mello?Mello?!"

What the hell had he done?


	6. Seven Days

Chapter Six: Seven Days

It had been a week since _then__._ Matt hadn't known what to do. He had tried so hard, but nothing had worked. The cpr had failed and he had refrained from calling an ambulance too long that it had been too late when the time had come that it was a last resort it was no longer an option, but to allow the blond to just lay there and die.

So, Matt just sat on the edge of their bed as he thought back to that night. What a horrible night. He couldn't smell alcohol without throwing up and gagging. He couldn't leave their apartment without feeling like a part of him was left behind somewhere in that dingy room that had the blondes smell still lingering there. Oh god, his head fell in his hands as he inhaled; Mello, he could still fucking smell him. It was overwhelming. How could he continue to live like this? Physically it was killing him.

As of lately there was no sleeping. His nights were sleepless as he could only stare up at the blank ceiling, the same ceiling he had stared up at when he had gotten that idea that he somehow believed would make him feel closer to Mello, only now they were so far apart. The loneliness and guilt had him bound and if Mello had been alive still Matt believed he would have smirked and said, "You never did use your head," and he would've agreed with him for once. For once if Mello had been alive that feeling of content would be stronger. It was too late though and as Matt sat, his legs crossed his hand holding one of his friend's guns to his head he took a deep breath. It'd been a week, seven days. He had given that to Mello. There was no more he could do that was it. Living was pointless it was painful...

Gripping the trigger he shut his eyes. Maybe he'd see him in the afterlife. He shook his head he didn't want to think anymore so, lacing his long pale fingers in the bedspread with his left hand he squeezed his eyes shut tighter pulling the trigger with his right; this was it, this was end.


End file.
